I've decided to look for some extra work to help offset the cost of my dumb fix-it-myself mistake. Who knows, perhaps there's a contact I'm supposed to make, and that's why He allowed this. But it's hard not to feel angry with yourself when you create new problems. The old ones are usually sufficient -- who needs to create new ones?
For some reason, when you get angry with yourself, the thing that caused your anger isn't enough. You remember other things you've done wrong, and suddenly you have the impression that doing things wrong is all you do. Well, I shouldn't say "you." Some of you are probably not like this. But some of us are.
I took this to the Lord this morning -- pretty much along those lines ("I always mess everything up," then wondering why He even bothers with me). He opened my Bible to a little scene in 2 Samuel 11. Do you know the scene? It's where the man after God's own heart goes after a woman who is not his own; the story ends in tragedy, remorse, and finally healing. I understood what God was saying: "And I still adored David."
OK, I heard it. I processed it (intellectually). I began my day. And then I turned to God and said, "You're going to have to take my joy by faith today. I love You -- that's all I can give You right now."
I'm working through this "on paper" because this is part of a process that amazes me. I'm learning how to handle shame and regret in a new way. It doesn't look that way today, I realize. But when I said a couple of months ago that my chains were gone, I meant it. Now He's replacing my will with His own, and not all of what I learn will be fun and games.
Joy and happiness are not the same thing.
Lord, the joy I give You today is a sober one. You understand what that means. I don't have to pretty it up for You. The sun doesn't leave the sky when it goes behind a cloud.
You Yourself are the joy.
Jesus Himself is our joy.