I didn't say here what the idol was, but I don't mind revealing it now. It was the lottery.
Spending two to four dollars a week on lottery tickets began as a relatively inexpensive way to dream. Eventually it began to look like a life raft floating off in the distance -- if I just hung on long enough (kept playing the numbers, even when the cost went up to about ten dollars), I might be able to grab onto it and life could return to normal.
People who have inadequate financial resources sometimes end up grasping at illusions to keep from despairing about what the future may look like. Some women marry the wrong man just to have "someone." Some people take an "I'd better find something" job and end up stuck there, hating it. A lot of desperate people buy lottery tickets.
I don't say this to defend the lottery. I won't start quoting scripture verses to clarify the Lord's view on "luck," but such verses exist, and He doesn't mince words. Yet God didn't pressure me on this issue. He just gently nudged. And taught. And waited.
When I finally determined to let go of my addiction, I tried numerous times but failed. Never once did the Lord scold me. He held me in His arms and let me cry. He understood the reasons for my terror; He knows the things I've been through.
One Saturday night, I was sitting at home mulling over whether to go out to buy a ticket. The cut-off time for that night's draw was about half an hour away. The Lord and I began chatting. Suddenly I sensed Him asking, "How long have you been buying lottery tickets?" I quickly did the math... Nineteen years.
"That's a third of my life," I exclaimed. "I'm enslaved." I turned to Jesus and calmly said, "That's it. No one owns me but You." I stayed home.
Within the next few weeks, I stumbled twice -- once to play "just" the provincial lottery (50 cents a draw), and once to buy a ticket because it was my birthday, and "that's what people do."
If my addiction had been alcohol, I would say, "And that was my last drink." Except -- and I say this out of empathy for those who struggle against a physical addiction -- I don't have to resist lottery tickets now. They now represent unthinkable loss to me, not potential gain.
This topic came to my mind again about a week ago, when I was relating my "return to the Lord" testimony to a Christian friend I've recently become reacquainted with. I told her the desire to play the lottery had left me, because it's not God's way. But it goes deeper than this.
"The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him," as Psalm 25:14a says. Since finally cutting ties with the idol that for so long enslaved me, what I've gained in my relationship with the Lord is beyond priceless.
Not long ago, I noticed the lottery jackpot was up to 50 or 60 million dollars. I laughed. Not that I ever would have wanted that kind of money anyway (it would make a person less safe, not more safe). But it did give me the opportunity to tell my Jesus, "If someone offered me that money, I wouldn't take it. Compared to what You're worth to me? If it meant losing what we've found together? All the wealth in the world is like a tiny speck of dust next to the wealth of knowing You."
I'm on my own and still have difficulty getting by. I have no idea how I'm going to be OK in old age, which is fast advancing. But need drew me to God; through it, He put me on a path that began to lead me deep into His heart.
The path I'm on now is Jesus Himself. He will sustain me.