The day began very, very badly. Long story short, I eventually found Louie Giglio's newest online sermon, "Fear Must Fall," which I posted here. You would think this message would have been enough to snap me back into God's perspective (He is big, He is Lord, I am His, stop panicking), but it wasn't. Nevertheless, I will be taking Louie's advice about listening to Psalm 23 right before I go to bed and when I get up in the morning. For forty days, he recommends. What a brilliant idea.
As I was saying, the day really didn't get much better. The reasons aren't random or silly, they're very real -- but that's beside the point. ...Is my God God or is He not?
I am circling around the story, I realize. Thanks for your patience. I'm finally at the point about this evening.
After dinner, I got out my Bible and notebook. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to have a Bible study or just pray. Prayer seemed like the right place to start. The next thing I knew, I was in His presence, crying inconsolably. As I poured out my heart to Him, a random old wound crossed my mind. I have no idea where it came from or why it chose tonight to revisit me. It was something one of my ex's sisters had written to me upon learning of our engagement. She said she hoped I wouldn't break his heart the way some other person had. A very misguided thing to say. By "misguided" I mean horrible.
I suddenly got the notion to try to find that old letter. I got down my two boxes of memoribilia from a shelf and pulled out the letters. I didn't find the one from my ex's sister, but I found many other things, including stacks and stacks of letters from my ex. I read a few of them. I had forgotten how much he used to seem to like me. I had also forgotten that he sometimes used to talk about the Lord. He was in Christian ministry, so I guess that would make sense. There's lots I can't or won't fill in here, but never mind. I was fascinated to read a few of his old letters.
I also found several letters from a friend who became a Baptist pastor. He was quite a guy, with a poetic soul and a quirky sense of humor. Some his letters opened with greetings like, "Hello, you little trouble-maker." He glued Charlie Brown comic strips to the top of some of the pages. One of the cartoons made me laugh so hard I almost fell over. His envelopes were an extension of his letters -- "JESUS DIED SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO," one of the envelope flaps read.
I found some other things as well. A playful photo of me with an old friend I love but have all but lost touch with. A treasure trove of letters from my father, which I will look at another day. And the letter my mother sent me when my father suddenly became very ill. The letter itself gave no real hint of urgency, but the envelope was marked "SPECIAL DELIVERY." I was on a plane shortly afterwards, to visit him. He died four months later.
The end of the evening was just as unusual as the part I've just related. A praiseful comment Louie Giglio had made somewhere about Ravi Zacharias led me to listen to one of Dr. Zacharias' talks ("Toward an Evangelical Understanding of Postmodernism and Mission"). The end of the talk was particularly mind-boggling. I found his ministry's website and bookmarked it; I also added it to the list of resources on the "links" page here.
What does any of this have to do with anything? Well, it was Jesus, you see. He HEARD me. I sat at the table and wept, and He replied by taking me on a little voyage. First, He reminded me that today did not come out of a vacuum. The joy and pain and humor and bittersweetness of my history is woven into my now. He also reminded me that there have always been people in my world who loved me.
Then, He reminded me of my present and my future, which is where Dr. Zacharias comes in. The motto on his ministry website is "Helping the thinker believe. Helping the believer think." This is profoundly relevant to me.
Jesus took me on this voyage to say, "I know who you are, I care about what you've been through, and I know who you're becoming. Your life has always been precious to Me. Hang in there. Trust Me. I know how it all turns out."
He knows who you are, He cares about what you've been through, and He knows who you're becoming. Your life has always been precious to Him. Hang in there. Trust Him. He knows how it all turns out.