I didn't sleep much last night. I'm realizing now that the repair of my wall may be more of a hassle than I thought. My walls are plaster, so the hole they've had to cut is into actual wood lath. Damaged plaster walls are an emotional issue for me. I won't get into why, but the Lord knows the history. I'm even guessing His enemy thought this might be a fun way to get me to crack, but that's not important.
So here's part two of this "joy" story:
Yesterday my response of joy, love, and trust brought God great pleasure. Phase two is the "rubber hits the road" test.
The plumber is here right now. He's been here for an hour, and it may take another hour or two. After he leaves, I'll have to repair the wall.
I've thought back a few times to Monday and have played the "if only" game, but that doesn't honor Him. I was raised on "ifs" and "shoulds." It's a toxic way to live. You can't fix most of your mistakes, and you can't prevent every bad outcome. Some good choices go bad, and some bad choices eventually direct you to what is good. Jesus was totally with me the other day when I was trying to do that repair. We were delighting in one another's company. He helped me when I had difficulty. So part of the joy in this is realizing that He allowed this mistake. Does that make sense? If He allowed it, it has a higher purpose. If He allowed it, part of this is without a doubt a response to my heart's newly blossomed imperative, to live and walk like Jesus. To take what happens to me as His map as I walk in faith and surrender -- "Here it is: walk in it. Leave Me with the outcome." To learn to read that map as unquestioningly, as calmly, and as confidently as the earthly Jesus read the Father's moment-by-moment map.
So here I am in the middle of the process (yes, the plumber is still here), trusting God IN the process. Not just trusting Him to get me out of the dilemma, but to teach me to be more like Him in the midst of it, through it, and even by means of it.
It's a bit like free fall. No physical gravity is holding me up. I fall into what appears to be a void, with no visible assurance that I will land securely on anything. I lay my emotional history with broken plaster walls at His feet. He is Lord of it. I lay my emotional history with lack of finances at His feet. He is Lord of it. I lay my shame at His feet. He is Lord of it. I lay my very practical needs (financial provision for the repairs, help fixing the wall) at His feet. He is Lord of them. I lay my history with "ifs" and "shoulds" at His feet. He is Lord of it. He is Conqueror of it.
He is Lord of me. He has conquered me -- heart, mind, body, soul, will.
I praise Him in the midst of this process. I don't feel joyful, but I carry His joy. I do feel full of love for Him. This doesn't really change now; I can't usually stay mad at Him for even half a day anymore. I adore Him. I don't "feel" trust, but then trust isn't a "feely" thing. It's a servant's commitment to keep slugging away even when it hurts.
The joy I lift to Him today is more subdued. But perhaps it's a more powerful tonic to Him than the joy I lifted to Him yesterday, because it's an "in the midst" joy, a "whatever comes next" joy.
May my trust and joy and love be a delight to You, priceless One. Thank You for this holy map. We've just begun. You are leading me on an adventure beyond my wildest dreams.