Our relationship has grown and changed radically since then. But I still occasionally get furious with Him. The anger is different now -- the exasperation of a loved one who wants all the cards put on the table -- but it's still anger.
The funny thing is, God does some of His most profound work in me at these times. Maybe that's not surprising, since I'm pretty sure He's the one who orchestrates how these moments will play out.
Early yesterday morning, well before dawn, I prayed something like this: "I don't want a far-away God. I don't want a part-time God. I want a God who is with me in everything. I want You TO BE GOD to me. Do You understand? I need You to be my I AM. Always. In every situation. I understand that this means I agree to surrender absolutely everything, all my rights, every moment of my life -- everything -- to You. But I want a full two-way relationship. A living relationship. You promised it." I proceeded to cite various pertinent scripture verses to Him. Then I fell back to sleep.
It wasn't until I woke up again and met with God for our morning time together that I realized what I'd done. I had claimed His covenant promise. I had echoed back to Him, "You shall be my God, and I will be Your person. Nothing else will do."
It became clear to me that I had done exactly what He had hoped I would do. I then asked Him one simple thing: "Show me that I've correctly interpreted what's taken place between us this morning. Show me in some way today that You're committed to being my all-sufficient, ever-present God in every detail of my life." That request may sound a bit audacious. But He fulfilled it joyfully. He gave me clear evidence throughout the day that He was working in me, through me, and on my behalf.
Today He didn't repeat the evidence nearly so dramatically. In fact, today kind of sucked in some ways. But so what? The covenant promise stands. And He did, come to think of it, begin today by telling me this (Psalm 111):
Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart,
In the company of the upright and in the assembly.
Great are the works of the Lord;
They are studied by all who delight in them.
Splendid and majestic is His work,
And His righteousness endures forever.
He has made His wonders to be remembered;
The Lord is gracious and compassionate.
He has given food to those who fear Him;
He will remember His covenant forever.
He has made known to His people the power of His works,
In giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of His hands are truth and justice;
All His precepts are sure.
They are upheld forever and ever;
They are performed in truth and uprightness.
He has sent redemption to His people;
He has ordained His covenant forever;
Holy and awesome is His name.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all those who do His commandments;
His praise endures forever.
His praise endures forever -- oh, indeed it does!
And His covenant is unbreakable, indelible, unchanging. He will remember it forever. He has ordained it forever.