I got up from the computer and went to get ready for bed. "Seriously -- what IS most important to you?" I snapped at myself. "Your heavenly Father is waiting to talk to you, and what silly things are you doing instead?"
Keep in mind that I've been struggling with some issues that really need to be resolved. So I admit openly that this was not just about having disappointed my heavenly Father. It was also about worrying that He would not want to answer me if I was disobedient.
Somewhere between my sink and my bed, a picture came into my mind of Abraham, holding a knife over his son, proving to the Lord that he feared Him. Then it began to hit me. "I don't live in the Old Testament." Not that God's principles and standards have changed. Certainly not. He still expects us to lay our lives at His feet, and to revere Him. But we live under the new covenant.
Nevertheless, as I climbed into bed, I was muttering things like, "Father, I'm sorry! You must be so disappointed in me. What's wrong with me?!"
Then I heard these words in my heart, soft as whisper but clear as a bell. First my name, then
"Stop trying to live the Christian life."
"...I know." (Only Jesus can live the Christian life in us.) "But how?"
"Surrender."
I knew what this meant. Not a "here's my life, Lord" surrender (He knows I'm already surrendered), but an "I'm off the hook when it comes to getting God to approve of me" surrender. God does approve of me -- because of what Jesus did. I can't earn His approval, or His answers to prayer, or anything else. Jesus is my covering, my advocate. Ultimately what counts in heaven is whose name is written on me.
"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you," Jesus said (John 15:7). What do those words mean? I keep asking, since in certain ways this is not my day-to-day reality, nor that of many other people who have mountains to climb.
What if "If... My words abide in you" refers to more than storing scripture in our hearts, even more than truly believing and acting upon what Jesus said? I wonder if at the core of "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you," Jesus means, "If you are so abiding in Me that your focus and your requests originate from My very heart." In other words, "If your words are My own words -- that is, I not only inspire them and sanction them, but I am also speaking them to the Father on your behalf."
This is deep stuff. I'll leave this here for now, and will think and pray more about it. In the meantime, I thank my heavenly Father for stating the obvious to me:
Stop trying to live the Christian life.
I can add nothing to what Christ has already done, or to what He continues to do and will do on my behalf.
Lean back in His holy, mighty arms. Surrender. And come to think of it, this is also obedience. Of the deepest kind.