Things went downhill from there.
Over the course of the day, the Lord's enemy entertained himself by subtly needling me -- "How unprofessional." "What must they be thinking of you now?" And on and on, playing on my insecurities. By the next morning I was worried, very angry with myself, and feeling somewhat hopeless.
In my morning time with the Lord on Saturday, I asked Him to take me wherever I needed to go in His Word to deal with these feelings. I wandered all over the Old Testament and New Testament. I found many wonderful thoughts to cling to. Just as I was about to put my Bible down and start on my tasks for the day, the Holy Spirit drew my eyes to this:
But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven.
(Matthew 10:33)
Then I remembered Peter.
Peter had famously boasted to Jesus that he would never forsake Him, even if everyone else did. Jesus had replied (Matt. 26:34), "this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." Naturally, this is exactly how it played out.
In a wonderful sermon called "Moving Beyond Failure,"* Hilary Price speaks about the guilt Peter carried over this denial, among other things. This guilt affected his attitude about everything; he even lost some of his enthusiasm about fishing (John 21). Then He saw the resurrected Jesus sitting on the shore, cooking fish over a fire. Jesus called to Peter and the disciples who were with him, "Come and have breakfast!" After breakfast, Jesus took Peter aside privately and gave him his new assignment: care for My sheep. This private conversation -- and the breakfast -- kindled a beautiful healing in Peter, and in the relationship. Peter was able to move forward in confidence, knowing that he was completely forgiven and had a very valuable part to play in God's plan.
Back to last Saturday morning.
The Holy Spirit nudged me softly, "Do you think maybe Jesus' words, 'Whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven' were part of what was playing through Peter's head while he was torturing himself with guilt?"
Peter loved Jesus; he was furious at himself for having let down his dear Master and Friend. I'm fairly sure the enemy made the most of this, twisting the meaning of what Jesus had said to suggest to Peter that his temporary denial could separate him from the Lord forever.
Jesus didn't bother to address all this. He came to Peter where he was -- repentant, defeated, and full of self-loathing -- and spoke to his heart. Then He said, "Let's just move on."
I had let Jesus down, too. I had prayed about it, but still it was eating away at me. The enemy, whose primary strategy (and it's so easy) is to get people to look at themselves and each other rather than at Christ, had used my shame and insecurity to his advantage.
Yet Jesus was just sitting there on the shore, cooking me breakfast. After breakfast He took me aside and gave me my next assignment: quietly mend fences. ...And let's just move on.
* The sermon "Moving Beyond Failure" is part of the Galilee Retreat series from Living Truth Ministries, and is available on CD and as a free transcript. ...No affiliation -- I just like it.