Still constant in a wondrous excellence"
(Borrowing these words out of context
from Shakespeare's Sonnet 105, to repurpose
them as a description of my Lord and God)
"Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind,
Still constant in a wondrous excellence" (Borrowing these words out of context from Shakespeare's Sonnet 105, to repurpose them as a description of my Lord and God)
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This is a slightly amended version of a post from August 2014. I went searching for it just now because it has become newly meaningful to me. ___________________________________________________________
I've been slowly grasping that Matthew 11:29 is at the very core of the Christian life. It's a variation on "abide in Me" (John 15:4). The yoke analogy goes further in one sense, revealing an intriguing truth: as we work through what's been placed before us, we're not working for God, nor is He working independently of us. We're yoked together as a team. Oxen are co-workers; their master trains and guides them. In the Matthew 11 metaphor, Jesus is our Master but also our Co-worker. He could force the yoke on us, but He doesn't. He waits until our love and reverence for Him compels us to learn His ways. Then He works alongside us, bearing a yoke that has no place on His own neck so that He can carry the heavier part of the load and at the same time let us learn the rhythm of His movements and steps. Some of us oxen take a very, very long time to train. There may be a giant storehouse somewhere containing all the yokes I've torn off or damaged in my rebellion and foolishness. But He isn't angry or dismayed. Only God is holy; the rest of us need a Redeemer.
This morning, half way to church on the hilly backroads, I saw a huge bank of ominous black clouds. Visually, it was beautiful, the juxtaposition of the land and the dark clouds on a nearly snowless winter day. The layers of colour -- blue, white, grey, brown, gold, black, and even a hint of almost green -- spoke to my heart about my Lord, for it was He who painted this landscape.
But wow, was that a storm coming? I didn't see this in the forecast, but then I had only checked the forecast for my own town, which is at least half an hour away from the church. For a moment I thought, this was a mistake. At this time of year a rain storm could become something much more treacherous. Once inside, I put the weather behind me. At one point near the end of the morning, I looked out the window and saw that the sky was now a grey-white canopy. No more storm looming. There are black clouds over my life right now. A relationship that is precious to me is in danger. I don't know what to do. I can't fix it. There are too many layers. I may be able to buffer the storm in some ways, but whatever happens will have to just play out in the Lord's own timing. Looking back on the year that has just passed, I see the Lord's wisdom in having brought other alarming storms. By His grace, I survived them all; by His grace, each one changed me. I'm not the same as I was a year ago. In some ways I am sadder, but I am more sure of my God, and more trusting of His heart. One of the first things that struck me, as these relationship clouds grew darker recently, was that God Himself knows what this feels like. Relationships that are precious to Him are in danger. God, who can fix anything, is now in the position of waiting for each of us to choose. He will not force His love upon anyone. Waiting hurts. Watching a loved one close doors, even for a time, hurts. I am not meant to be the fulfilment of everything someone was created to be. Of course not. But God is. Imagine how much more it hurts for Him. One thing I know, though. Whether God allows these black clouds over my life to pour, or rain ice, or whether He allows them to soften into a grey-white canopy, He will carry me through them. I am His. He has found me. I have chosen. This is something I originally posted here at the end of May 2015 (the original title was "I love You"). It's deeply personal, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about our Lord, so in case He wishes to use it to speak to someone, I will take the risk of sharing it (and my heart) again. Every word of this is still how I feel. I am in some ways more of a mess than ever at the moment, but my Lord is at work, and I suppose a work site can be a messy place at times. Yours, Lord.
A beautiful principle leapt out to me from this passage yesterday morning.
Have you been stuck in a long season of difficulty that makes you long for deliverance? According to this passage, when God allows us to be in a time of exile, He cares very much about what we do there while we wait. He asks us to live a quiet life of diligence where He has placed us, and to let Him use us for good. Furthermore, He asks us to pray for those who are there with us. Charles Price reads "With God, nothing is impossible" as also meaning "With God, 'nothing' is impossible." If God has you in exile, so to speak, it's for a huge purpose. This purpose is much vaster than just stretching you and preparing you for the return trip home. His purposes always include overflow to the world around us, and prayer is the nerve centre of this overflow. God pointed out this principle to me because I very much need to remember it. Whatever He is doing in, to, for, with, and through me in a particular season, He means it as a way of extending and enriching His kingdom, and of bringing great glory to His name. No season of exile lasts forever, but His kingdom is forever. Reposted from August 2014 because I needed to hear this again (and perhaps you do too). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6 It's interesting to read in Hebrews 11:6 that believing He is a rewarder of those who seek Him is actually a vital part of what demonstrates faith to Him. I had never noticed this before. I have no trouble anymore believing that He is. I did for a while, but He met me there; I have a great "Thomas" story. Now He's meeting me in part two -- believing that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. For some reason, it's been at least as hard as part one. Maybe it's because of low self-esteem? If so, it may mean I subconsciously equate reward with performance, even in spiritual things. Why does He care so much that I know He is my rewarder that He counts it as a key component of what faith looks like? Wow, the answer to that question will reveal a lot. It's NOT that He is a rewarder of my performance. He is a rewarder of my seeking Him. He is the Lover watching intently for the footsteps of His beloved; when He catches a glimpse of her rushing towards Him, He is overcome with joy. "Part one" of faith as described in Hebrews 11:6 is the introduction part, where we say "yes" and begin to find out more about this wonderful Person who has called us. "Part two" is the binding together part, where we get to know the heart of the wonderful Person Himself, letting Him gradually unveil to us how very deeply He loves us. This is the reward! He is the Reward, and the Rewarder. Hooray! Part two will take all of eternity. Today is a very, very good day to start. Years ago, as a young Christian (a condition that unfortunately went on for decades), I misunderstood the concept that we love Christ because He first loved us. This thought made me indignant. Can't my love also initiate a response of love from Him? Listen up, younger me, if you can hear this: First of all, of course Christ also responds to your love. Your question comes from a place of longing, where you want to be truly met and give back that same sort of love. But no (and this is not a contradiction), you cannot by yourself initiate a response of love from Him, because the love you have for Him came from Him in the first place. The Holy Spirit planted it there when He came to live in you. His mission is to grow that love day by day forever, until it's a sky-shattering, crystal-clear-pure, spilling-over-every-bank sort of love. And when it finally reaches that point, it will have only just begun to blossom, by comparison to His love for you. Secondly, your question comes from a place of misunderstanding what Jesus really did at Calvary. You understand it partially, but you don't grasp -- because none of us can grasp -- what He carried for us all on that day. To pay our redemption, He carried everything in our place. You may appreciate this a bit better when you get to the end of the year 2016 and the world is falling apart at breakneck speed before your eyes. When this happens, remember this -- Christ died not only to rescue us, but to conform us into His own holy image. Everything in you that is not like Christ yet is trying to destroy Christ. Hint: pick the right team in this battle. Don't make choices that will put anything at war against His own nature. I mention all this because, looking around, I am aching for the perfect, holy heart of Jesus to be visible without compromise, so that all those who are given eyes to see will say "yes" to Him. I also mention it because of a hymn we sang in church not long ago. The story behind it is not far off my own story of misplaced indignance. The story is here ("O Christ, What Burdens Bowed Thy Head" hymn page): A soldier's misunderstanding The hymn is "O Christ, What Burdens Bowed Thy Head," written by Anne R. Cousin (1824-1906). The tune, "Substitution," was composed by Ira D. Sankey (1840-1908). Here are Anne Cousin's lyrics, which also appear on the page I've linked to above. Perhaps never in all of history have we so needed to respond in humility and repentance to the message of this hymn.
We sang this at church today. I cried. "Majestic Sweetness Sits Enthroned" Lyrics by Samuel Stennett (1727-1795) Music by Thomas Hastings (1784-1872) (Full lyrics here) For always, Jesus. Genesis 1. God created the heavens and the earth, spoke light and darkness into existence. He formed the waters, the skies, the plants, the evening and morning, the sun and moon and stars. Next He called into existence the birds and sea monsters and fish, the creatures of the earth, and then mankind. After each of these acts, Genesis tells us, God saw that it was good. Finally, He looked at the whole spectrum of what He had created. It was very good. ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ ⁞⁞⁞⁞⁞ I have had a very difficult year. The Lord called me aside six months ago from what I was doing, to resolve an ongoing issue that has kept me stuck for a very long time. At least, that's what I thought He was calling me aside to do. In fact, nearly everything I've done over the past six months has failed. A number of times, I have reached the end of my rope, only to find that someone had tied more rope on, allowing me to slide down even further.
Yesterday morning, or perhaps it was Monday evening, I found myself in such a place again. Then I began thinking about creation. It occurred to me that the Jesus I've come to know would never be satisfied just to state that something was good or very good. He would also come down and take a look first hand. He would go to the edge of the river and investigate the otters' and beavers' newly built homes. He would walk across the sands and scurry up the sea cliffs. He would hold the miniature crabs and the tiny coloured stones in His hand. He would attend early morning birdsong choruses, to express His delight in person. He would lie down on the mossy forest floor and look up at a periwinkle blue shard of pre-dawn sky, and would call out "It is GOOD!" from a bottomless well of joy. It was this last thing I was picturing Him doing, in fact, when He suddenly shattered my melancholy with a revelation and then a question. It was before He even planned all this, my heart heard Him say, that He chose my name. Not the name I'm known by now, but the name He will call me by in eternity. Before He set creation in motion, He pictured the whole of my life -- the good and the bad, the wretchedness and the redemption. He knows what comes at the end of everything, and it will be worth it all. It was worth it, He even says, to have given Himself to be killed on a Roman cross, so that I might be His forever, to know every day of the rest of my life what it is to be perfectly, unrelentingly loved by the divine and all-glorious King. Then He asked me a question: "Are you in?" (What do you imagine I replied.) Of course this story is not just His and mine. It's also His and yours. He sees the whole of your life -- pain and happiness and emptiness and all -- and asks the same question. Are you in? Is He worth it, whatever "it" turns out to be? Only you can answer. Dear Jesus,
Whatever happens, whatever You take me through, whatever crazy things go on, however divided and dark this age is, however hopeless things appear sometimes, however long the path seems... I am Yours forever. You aren't sending me away (though sometimes I don't know why), You are drawing me to Yourself -- even through all of the above. There's no one higher than You, no one wiser than You, no one lovelier than You. You know every pain and joy eternal years before it reaches me. You time their arrival meticulously, to tell me, "My seal is upon you; I am weaving your life." I've seen this recently, and I will see it forever, because my heart is Yours. I wish I could get back the years I stole from You, when I walked around with a half-understanding of who You were to me. I regret so much the hurt I caused You, and I regret so many things that have resulted from that time; I want to repay it to You somehow. You, though, seem to be present always in the moment that is, victorious over all that was or will be. You are smiling at me. You're not asking for repayment. You're only saying, "Let's go," and reaching for my hand. You are all about moving forward, even if sometimes the catalyst You use is pain. Can I tell You something? You have honoured me in so many ways. I will never deserve You, but I will wear Your honour and love forever. Sweet, perfect One. "I love You" seems like such a small thing to say to You. I want to say it with so much more than words. Only You can walk me there. It's by Your grace that I've been saved and by Your grace that I will step in to whatever purpose You have for me. The "I love You" I can offer You here on earth is so very small, but to You it's a sweet seed. One You planted, and which -- now blooming -- will bloom forever. So, please take my inadequate "I love You," and let me learn Your own entirely perfect one. You take the lead; my love must follow Yours. I hear Your "May I have this dance?" and I reply without words, by stepping closer to You. This is one moment where I really wish my camera hadn't just died.
This past two months have been anything but restful -- essay-marking, the loss of a dear pet, exam-marking, "holidays" (I told my son the break was more a verb than a noun), illness, a birthday, a new course to teach, Internet problems, and much more. On top of this, I've been feeling for the past two weeks or so as though the Lord was very far away. In some ways I take this as a good sign: a) He trusts me with His silence, and b) I've begun to realize how little I know Him and how little I understand how to know Him, which is a perfect, perfect starting place. Last night He used something very unexpected to remind me what we are to each other. Today began sweetly, but much of the day spun away into fruitlessness. I was tempted to begin berating myself, but instead I came upstairs to see what might be salvaged of this evening. ...And then I saw it. It's still there, so I will try, in well under a thousand words, to convey to you what my camera would have told you: In the corner of the study window... a summer bouquet. On this bitterly icy January night, when courage is hard to find and my heart is full of the pain of the world.... a lace-wrapped nosegay of white ferns, daisies, lilies, and glads, all sparkling in the light of a nearby streetlamp. My dearest, most marvellous Love has hand-delivered flowers to me. He may have even thrown in a wee butterfly or two, to say "winter is short -- our summer will be forever." It will be indeed, Jesus. And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6 It's interesting to read in Hebrews 11:6 that believing He is a rewarder of those who seek Him is actually a vital part of what demonstrates faith to Him. I had never noticed this before. I have no trouble anymore believing that He is. I did for a while, but He met me there; I have a great "Thomas" story. Now He's meeting me in part two -- believing that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. For some reason, it's been at least as hard as part one. Maybe it's because of low self-esteem? If so, it may mean I subconsciously equate reward with performance, even in spiritual things. Why does He care so much that I know He is my rewarder that He counts it as a key component of what faith looks like? Wow, the answer to that question will reveal a lot. It's NOT that He is a rewarder of my performance. He is a rewarder of my seeking Him. He is the Lover watching intently for the footsteps of His beloved; when He catches a glimpse of her rushing towards Him, He is overcome with joy. "Part one" of faith as described in Hebrews 11:6 is the introduction part, where we say "yes" and begin to find out more about this wonderful Person who has called us. "Part two" is the binding together part, where we get to know the heart of the wonderful Person Himself, letting Him gradually unveil to us how very deeply He loves us. This is the reward! He is the Reward, and the Rewarder. Hooray! Part two will take all of eternity. Today is a very, very good day to start. There's a special scene near the end of Oswald Chambers' biography where Oswald consoles a bereaved friend by telling her, "It's all right, you can't understand God's ways but get down into His love. ...Be radiant for Him." Fast-forward about a century to Tuesday evening, when I watched the last 15-20 minutes of "Rejection Must Fall," the third instalment in Louie Giglio's "Goliath Must Fall" series. I began it Sunday night but had to leave before I'd finished. Oh, the timing of the Lord. Much of what He needed to say to me that day was contained in those last 15-20 minutes. Louie spoke about the depth of God's love for us. We can't actually comprehend how deep His love is for us is, which surely explains why we spend so much time seeking fulfilment and recognition elsewhere. I went to my room to speak with the Lord right after watching the video. I had a lot on my mind, but the echo effect of the message I'd just heard was that all I wanted to talk about was how thankful I am for His love, for Him -- and thankful that He gives me the great honor of loving Him in return. He sealed our time together with 1 Kings 5:4, where Solomon says
The thought occurs to me: What would happen if I virtually bathed in the knowledge of His great love for me? ...If I paused every little while during the day just long enough to say, "THANK YOU, beautiful King and Savior, for loving me so much that You gave up everything to seek me as Your own." ...If, instead of being thrown off course by struggles and shortfalls and regrets, I turned my anxious obsessions into moments of openly spoken obsession with my God and His love for me. ...If, instead of diving into distraction and worry, I dived into every picture I could find in scripture of His glory, His grace, His might, and His loveliness, and spoke it all back to Him with praise. Perfect love casts out all fear, and God has shown His perfect love in that while I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me. Doesn't it follow logically that I should try the above experiment, to rise up above myself and above my own fear -- to be radiant for Him? This sounds like a plan. Feel free to join me. I'm working on a project that's been going on in the background for a very long time. I'm growing weary of it. For various reasons, I need to have this paper written by early next week. I've been going through the notes, refreshing my memory. This is no mean feat, because the text I'm writing about is very long and often complex.
Today at one point, I began to get very angry with myself. There's more to this story than I'll go into, but let's just say a spiritual battle was going on, and I was playing right into the wrong side of it. I went into my room and tried to clear my head. For some reason, a picture came into my head of me, lying wounded on the shore. I pictured the Lord standing behind me on the sand, and the captain of the "other" army facing us. I was expecting some kind of struggle or confrontation. Instead, I heard myself saying a word. As soon as I heard it, my whole body relaxed; I felt deeply loved, and safe. There was no confrontation about to take place -- the battle has already been won. Only Jesus and I remained on the shore. The word wasn't in a language I know, and I was curious to know what it meant. Was it Hebrew? I don't speak Hebrew, but it sounded like it might be. I Googled it. It took two tries at the spelling, but I found it: chadath If it's the same word, it's Aramaic. It means new. Yes, my Jesus. New. All brand new. This is how You see me, because this is what I am, because of You. ...End of break -- lots more to do. There have been a few days recently where I've found myself wondering why on earth God bothers with me, or (more to the point) why He ever felt the need to come up with the idea of me in the first place.
He knows why I've been having these thoughts. It's not the first time, but this time it seems to be part of an Isaiah 6 process; if so, it will be well worth it in the end. Yesterday morning, though, a beautiful thought came to me. It has to do with you, too, so I knew I needed to share it. Each relationship God has with someone is as individual as a fingerprint. Only you can have that particular walk He intended you to have with Him. Likewise, God designed each person to blossom into something one-of-a-kind, and exquisite. You are a treasure to Him of the highest order. This is why it breaks His heart when we reject Him -- or even when we accept Him as savior, but treat Him primarily as a guide or teacher, as though we could somehow learn to become what He Himself is. For becoming God is the only way we ourselves could do what He asks of us: "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48, NIV). No, only Jesus Himself can fulfill in us what He asks of us. So, why did He bother thinking each of us up? Part of the wonderful answer is that through us He means to transform the world, to restore every person to life and wholeness. The rest of the answer is even more profound, too deep and sweet for us to grasp yet. He made us to love Him and to be loved by Him forever. Only eternity will tell what unseen beauty He has planned for such a relationship. The more completely this relationship begins while we yet have not seen Him, the sweeter its fruit will be in eternity. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21 Happy Easter, Beloved. These are for You. They're a tiny hint of what I'm storing up in my heart to say face-to-face to You one day.
Thank You for surrendering Your all that we might know You. With everlasting love, Your girl Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “On the first day of the first month you shall set up the tabernacle of the tent of meeting. You shall place the ark of the testimony there, and you shall screen the ark with the veil. You shall bring in the table and arrange what belongs on it; and you shall bring in the lampstand and mount its lamps. Moreover, you shall set the gold altar of incense before the ark of the testimony, and set up the veil for the doorway to the tabernacle. You shall set the altar of burnt offering in front of the doorway of the tabernacle of the tent of meeting. You shall set the laver between the tent of meeting and the altar and put water in it. You shall set up the court all around and hang up the veil for the gateway of the court. Then you shall take the anointing oil and anoint the tabernacle and all that is in it, and shall consecrate it and all its furnishings; and it shall be holy. You shall anoint the altar of burnt offering and all its utensils, and consecrate the altar, and the altar shall be most holy. You shall anoint the laver and its stand, and consecrate it. Then you shall bring Aaron and his sons to the doorway of the tent of meeting and wash them with water. You shall put the holy garments on Aaron and anoint him and consecrate him, that he may minister as a priest to Me. You shall bring his sons and put tunics on them; and you shall anoint them even as you have anointed their father, that they may minister as priests to Me; and their anointing will qualify them for a perpetual priesthood throughout their generations.” Thus Moses did; according to all that the Lord had commanded him, so he did.
Exodus 40:1-16 This has been a very interesting summer. First of all, I've had a bit more income, but it keeps finding ways to fly very rapidly out the door. Yesterday it was a long-overdue vet appointment for one of my two elderly cats. Her thyroid levels are off the charts, but at least now I know what's wrong and how to treat it. The day before, it was another car repair -- phase two of an unexpected brake repair I had done in July. ...You already know about the plumbing thing (if not, it's best not to ask). There's more, but I'd rather not think about it. That's part of what has made it an interesting summer. Other things have happened that rushed in like raging floodwaters, leaving me watching helplessly as people I care about struggled with deep issues I couldn't resolve. I've had a lot of work to do, and didn't keep up with all of it, so I am now sprinting. This happened partly because of the above distractions and partly because I've never learned to work systematically. Distractions too easily disrupt the days, which wasn't a big deal when I was younger. I did my most focused work in the evenings and in the wee hours of the morning. Now, well. I'm old. I'm having to learn a new way. If you're waiting to see what this has to do with Exodus, here goes: Recently I've done a lot of quoting of Oswald Chambers. This is because the Lord has been doing surgery in me. Come to think of it, I doubt anyone regularly visits My Utmost for His Highest for a lark. The Lord likes to use it as a surgical tool. This speaks volumes to me about Oswald Chambers' credibility as a completely yielded vessel of the Master. One of the statements I quoted recently is this, from the August 6 My Utmost devotional: "When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to fix the blame on someone else. ...You will find there is a reason which is a deep instruction to you, not to anyone else." Yes, this is the essence of the surgery. The Lord wants to be released as fully God into every minute of my day. This means I have to stop letting distractions throw me off-course; but how? Quite simply, by unquestioning obedience and childlike trust. The power of God is released into my life as I obey and trust Him. I surrender, He directs me, I listen, and it works. Not perfectly yet, but I'm beginning to learn. The other morning, God dropped me abruptly into Exodus 40. At first I thought I was at the wrong address, but then I saw this (verses 12-15): “...Then you shall bring Aaron and his sons to the doorway of the tent of meeting and wash them with water. You shall put the holy garments on Aaron and anoint him and consecrate him, that he may minister as a priest to Me. You shall bring his sons and put tunics on them; and you shall anoint them even as you have anointed their father, that they may minister as priests to Me; and their anointing will qualify them for a perpetual priesthood throughout their generations.” Now here's the thing about me. I can know intellectually that something is the right thing to do, but it's only when I begin to do that thing for love that I will take hold of it with all my heart, mind, and soul. This passage was to me like the other shoe finally dropping. What is God's ultimate purpose in having me walk in His way? Yes, He is God, so it's necessary. But at the very heart of it is His own heart. It's not only about having me learn obedience and trust. It's not only about getting me to do what He wants me to do. It's about bringing me surrendered before His lovely heart. He brings us to the doorway of His kingdom and washes us with the blood of Jesus; He places Jesus' holy garments on us; He anoints us and consecrates us... that we may minister as priests to Him. Our anointing will qualify us as a perpetual priesthood throughout all eternity. We have been chosen not only to be cleansed and made whole, but to forever minister to Him. This insight has put wings on my desire to obey and trust Him. Yes, I must obey and trust Him simply because He is God. But knowing that this obedience and trust minister to Him has turned my will to do what He asks of me into a joyful dance. Child,
You asked Me the other day if I would go back in time and delete you from history. I said no. Although I understand the pain behind it, your request was outrageous. I know you think you've failed. You think if only you hadn't done this or that thing wrong, the world would be a better place. Let Me tell you a story. Long before time began, I thought you up. I designed the sound of your voice. I decided what your names would be, and inspired your parents to call you by those names. Your names have a special meaning to me, as I have since revealed to you. On the day you were born, I was ecstatic. Finally, you were born! I came to your hospital room and watched you breathing -- My tiny treasure, who would someday know what it was to be adored by her God. I began drawing you to Myself at a young age, even though you were not raised to know much about Me. On the night I finally came into your life to stay, you didn't realize what you had done, but I was patient. I waited while you wandered and nearly self-destructed. I tried to prevent you from making choices that were wrong for you. When you misunderstood, I reshaped your path to make sure you would end up in My arms. "Could I now delete you?" you asked the other day. Not kill you, you said, but remove you from history. You seemed to think that to Me these would be two different things. I took a long time answering. Did you wonder why? I was considering your request. Not because I was thinking about agreeing to it, but because I was asking Myself, "Why is she hurting Me in this way?" Do you still not know what you are to Me? Do you still not know that the sound of your voice in prayer makes My heart break with joy? Do you not understand that when I called you back to Myself it was so that I could love you so deeply that you would never again feel completely alone? Do you not think it a bit unusual and wonderful that I wrap Myself around you in the night, and do you think I could forget you if you were to suddenly be taken from My side? Could you forget Me if I were to delete Myself from your history? If I were to remove Myself from your embrace, would you just get over it? Your request was outrageous. You apparently have no idea of the depth of My love. This could make Me angry, and yet... I saw the pain that led you to make this request. I know you were not really questioning Me, but yourself. I know this was not so much a request as a confession, a plea. I know you love Me. I know you've finally begun to believe Me when I say I love you. No, I will not remove you from space and time, because I would suffer. You and I are already inextricably intertwined. One day you will see how this all turns out, and you will understand that the loss and mourning you were feeling was simply a step towards deeper healing. No, I will not remove you from history, because My history is now part of your history, and your history is now part of My history. I will not remove you from Myself. Nor will I ever, ever unwrap you from My arms. Your request was outrageous. But My love is that much more outrageous. I forgive you this absurd request. Silly, silly girl. Come hold Me. The other day a friend told me she's finally beginning to see that she has a purpose in life, and it feels wonderful. She's known Jesus for years, but now He's beginning to show her areas where she can serve Him.
To be honest, I don't feel quite this wonderful way yet. I do see that I have a place next to His heart, but in some ways I don't really know what I'm doing here. Being who I am, this sometimes causes me to question things. Thinking back over what in some ways seems to me like my "un-life" -- a life not entirely lived -- I've even been know in a particularly defeated moment (OK, yesterday) to ask God if He would consider going back to a month or so before my conception and hit the "stop" button. I have no trouble at all imagining Him moving that easily through time. He can do anything. I asked this a few times yesterday and waited for His answer. I made my case to Him: "No one would be the wiser. My parents could have some other child, perhaps with similar gifts to mine. My kids would never have been born, so it wouldn't hurt them (no, I'm not saying their existence isn't important -- work with me here). Really, I can't think of anything that could not go on pretty much normally. What do You think? I'm not saying I want to stop living now that I'm here, just that I don't see what difference it would make if I hadn't been born, so why not?" (As you may have gathered, yesterday was not a good day for me.) I asked Him one more time. Finally a response came. "No. I won't do that." "Why not?" I asked. "Because I would suffer," I heard. I hadn't thought of that. Making history "me-free" is one thing. Making God "me-free" now is impossible, even for Him. Even if He were to remove me from time and space, He couldn't remove the color and shape of me from His heart. Even if as far as everyone else was concerned, I had never existed, He wouldn't forget me. "Oh, all right, You," I said, curling up into His arms. "Have it Your way." Something tells me He has a purpose for my life. I just haven't seen it yet. In the meantime, being part of the color and shape of His heart will do just fine. My highest purpose of all is to be His. At its core the Bible is a love story, of God's very personal, sacrificial redemption of humankind. He came to give Himself up to be killed to buy back His beloved -- you, me, all of us, trapped in this broken world without Him.
Last night I began to write something I thought might turn into a blog post. Instead it turned into a love poem in which God seemed to echo back to me. I'm not going to share the poem with you, but I will share one beautiful thought that came from it: Jesus is the One who was dead and now lives forever, so that He may enter the places of our own death and revive them. The love that has begun to flow out of my heart for God is not my own. I didn't put it there; I don't understand it; I couldn't sustain it. It came from Him, it comes from Him, and only He can make it flourish. To find it, I had to let go of something inside of me, something that thought it knew who God was and what was enough in our relationship. Something religious, in other words. Even the letting go was, and ever will be, from Him. God doesn't meet us very deeply in religion. We might make His acquaintance there, but we'll stay on the "just good friends" level until we let go of our mission to adjust ourselves or the world to match the image we have of Him. Until we let go of our mission to adjust God Himself to match the image we have of Him. Until we just fall on our faces before Him and say, "I surrender." What ultimately stems from religion is frustration, anger, and dissension. By contrast, what ultimately stems from letting Him take over is love, and more. The overflow of two hearts desperately and eternally committed to one another. Sure beats religion. :) |
Every truth of
Scripture leads to Christ. Charles Price .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
About me "Hephzibah" (Isaiah 62) A yet unfinished story of the Lord's perfect restoration work I live in southwestern Ontario, Canada. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
2 Chronicles 7:16 בָּחַר קָדַשׁ ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| [T]o our
wounds only God’s wounds can speak. from “Jesus of the Scars” by Edward Shillito (1872-1948) Blog archives
August 2022
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...The eyes of the
Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is perfect toward Him. 2 Chronicles 16:9a (KJ21) |