The above quotation (also posted here on the quotations page*) is from a sermon Charles Price preached this January 27 at the Peoples Church in Toronto. I listened to it a week or two ago, and was very blessed and challenged by it.
Fast forward to yesterday. I'd woken up way too early -- so early that I was the first customer at the egg booth at the farmers' market, and had already been up for nearly three hours. Even the egg farmer was impressed when I told him what time I'd gotten up.
Post egg-shopping, the day quickly descended into an ongoing grouchy-overtired battle with feelings of depression -- something I've been struggling with lately anyway. Layering my recent failures with the other concerns I've been carrying around, the Lord's enemy found it all too easy to prod me into defeated a state of mind.
By evening, I'd had enough. I can't remember exactly how all this transpired, but something Charles Price had said in that sermon began to come back to me. I went to the sermon search, found the sermon, and located the section I was looking for, near the end of the sermon. I didn't have to try -- the Holy Spirit led me right to it. I listened to that section of the sermon over and over and over, for maybe ten or fifteen minutes. Have I been living in the fullness of His life lately?, I asked myself. Let's see -- depression, anger, thinking I have no purpose... failing to accomplish things, then beating myself up over it... lather, rinse, repeat... Does that sound like living in the fullness of His life? And whose fault is this, His or mine? I'm logical enough to be able to draw a straight line from A to B. Have I really given everything over to Him? I have, in the sense that I surrender my life to Him every day and let Him know that He's my Lord and King. But when things start to get off course, often I just try to get them back on course myself. When this fails (it nearly always fails), I get increasingly angry at myself. Romans 7:15, anyone?
I finished listening to the end of the sermon, and said, "Father, please meet me downstairs [in our special meeting spot]." I apologized for a number of things, placed my life at His feet, and asked Him to simply walk me through the days. To remind me that it's never been about what I could accomplish, but about trusting Him to be God. And to obey Him as though I believe He's God.
I've known myself for a very long time, so I know there are only two options here: Either I'll continue spinning my wheels, or I'll begin to learn to give Him my hands and let Him spin my life into gold. The choice may sound simple, but if it were, Paul would never have written Romans 7:15. Changing this pattern of defeat is a moment-by-moment commitment. Am I up to it? Not at all. But that's the whole point. And admitting that seems like a very good place to begin.
__________
* I post new quotations occasionally, but not in sequential order, so scan through every once in a while to see what's new.