My edginess from not having slept well only increased as the morning wore on. Soon every nerve felt frayed, and I began diving down one negative rabbit hole after another. I gave up at about 8:45 and decided to try taking a nap. Fifteen minutes later, I got up, napless and even more on edge.
I had a training session in the early afternoon, which went fine once I clicked into student mode. When I arrived home, I knew I would be useless for the rest of the day unless I got that nap I'd tried to take earlier. I am not young, but my life is.
I headed upstairs to discover that (oh, joy) chainsaws were buzzing full blast on the street behind me. I closed the window, which screened out a few decibels, and somehow escaped into near-sleep for about twenty minutes.
As I opened my eyes, I whispered my built-up pain to Jesus. He replied, in a wordless, deep message that my heart understood. I'll try to put it into words for you.
You were not designed for this world. You were designed for the world where I live. You weren't designed to know what to do with evil, or anger, or destruction. You were designed for perfect peace, for overflowing joy, for wholeness, for kindness,
for radiance.
You've had to compromise what your heart knows is true, just to manage what life throws at you. This is why it hurts.
You are in this broken, anguished world for a while, and it will be a battle. I am the mightiest of warriors. I have overcome every broken thing. I am in you; hide in Me.
I am to be your perfect peace, your overflowing joy, your wholeness, your kindness, your radiance -- even within the battle. Come nestle close to My heart and know that you are safe.