To be honest, I don't feel quite this wonderful way yet. I do see that I have a place next to His heart, but in some ways I don't really know what I'm doing here. Being who I am, this sometimes causes me to question things. Thinking back over what in some ways seems to me like my "un-life" -- a life not entirely lived -- I've even been know in a particularly defeated moment (OK, yesterday) to ask God if He would consider going back to a month or so before my conception and hit the "stop" button. I have no trouble at all imagining Him moving that easily through time. He can do anything.
I asked this a few times yesterday and waited for His answer. I made my case to Him: "No one would be the wiser. My parents could have some other child, perhaps with similar gifts to mine. My kids would never have been born, so it wouldn't hurt them (no, I'm not saying their existence isn't important -- work with me here). Really, I can't think of anything that could not go on pretty much normally. What do You think? I'm not saying I want to stop living now that I'm here, just that I don't see what difference it would make if I hadn't been born, so why not?"
(As you may have gathered, yesterday was not a good day for me.)
I asked Him one more time. Finally a response came. "No. I won't do that." "Why not?" I asked. "Because I would suffer," I heard.
I hadn't thought of that. Making history "me-free" is one thing. Making God "me-free" now is impossible, even for Him. Even if He were to remove me from time and space, He couldn't remove the color and shape of me from His heart. Even if as far as everyone else was concerned, I had never existed, He wouldn't forget me.
"Oh, all right, You," I said, curling up into His arms. "Have it Your way."
Something tells me He has a purpose for my life. I just haven't seen it yet. In the meantime, being part of the color and shape of His heart will do just fine. My highest purpose of all is to be His.