Whose voice to listen to?
I know the answer, I'm just wondering out loud how I can be so crazy sometimes.
I began this day with a sweet, rich time with the Lord. I'm useless without this now. If I didn't start off the day in His arms, reading His word with Him, having Him remind me of what I am to Him, the day would be empty and strange to me now. I'd be pounding His door down by about noon. :)
So, why for the last three hours have I been telling myself I'm worthless and pathetic, saying, "You don't understand, Lord. I'm not even worth knowing... how can You even want to look at me?"
He tried twice to perform an intervention. The first time, He used an assortment of wonderful verses to remind me that I am His, He's taking care of me, He has everything in my life in His hands, etc. etc. (I'm not mocking, I'm just disparing of my ensuing "thank You, Lord, You're so kind," which stuck with me for about ten minutes.)
The second time, He called me aside and gave me Psalm 68, showing me that I'm under spiritual assault today but that He is my unfailing Defender. This intervention lasted longer, but not more than half an hour.
I've been listing off all the things I can't stand about myself. The trigger likely occurred yesterday, when I heard my voice on tape and got a startling reminder that, among other things, my "no longer young" condition is now inescapably noticeable to the world. Surely being "no longer young" just means it's that much sooner until I see the Lord in person, so what's my problem?
The assault isn't really about my age. Let me type that again, because I'd love to find out what it means:
The assault isn't really about my age. It's about all the things I always assumed would be true of my life by this age, but have not come true.
Oh, I see. The assault came not because it's slightly embarrassing to be "no longer young" working amid a sea of 20-something students, but because I'm disappointed with myself, which makes me emotionally vulnerable. Emotionally vulnerable I can work with.
So take this, enemies of God who are needling me about how pathetic and worthless I am:
If you really saw me as pathetic and worthless, to God, you wouldn't be needling me. Not only that, but it was my emotional vulnerability and my disappointment with myself that brought me back to the Lord, that made Him fight through ridiculous odds to find me again and bring me fully into His arms. It's my vulnerability and brokenness before Him that make me usable to Him in His marvellous work.
You're right, needling dark forces, I'm not where I always assumed I would be by this age. But if I had "lived the dream," would I now be living His dream for me? Because you see, that's the dream I am living now. I have no idea where He's taking me, or how, but I know it ends in bliss; and what's more, as Catherine of Siena apparently once said, "All the way to heaven is heaven, because Jesus is the Way."
My dreams? Meh. Name me someone whose life has been almost entirely smooth and perfect by the world's standards, and I'll show you someone who has never yielded fully to the Lord's dreams. Not a trade-off worth taking.
...Ah, that's better -- you have somewhere else you need to be, you say? That's great, so have I. I need to get back to living the dream. His name is Jesus. And you should hear how sweetly He laughs when I tell Him I'm getting kinda old.