Here's what I wrote in my very first blog post, back in March of this year:
I am now head over heels in love with my God.
I live to praise Him and to know Him.
I've been a Christian for 40 years, and until recently
I had never realized what the Christian life was meant to be.
That, in a nutshell, is what keeps me posting here. Whether anyone is listening or not, I keep calling out from the rooftops to say how wonderful He is. Sometimes I call it out by kvetching first and then snapping back to His reality, which is becoming my new reality, my terra firma.
I didn't find this new solid ground by trying to give up my own territory. I simply fell deeply in love with my God. And true love is surrender. It's all-consuming.
When I began praising Him in those very dark hours (as mentioned in my initial few posts), I had no idea anything would happen -- I just needed a way to endure what I was going through. I had no idea He wanted me to live my life wrapped so intimately within His arms. I had no idea He wanted to recalibrate my heart and mind to align with His own; if I had, it might have terrified me. Now it comforts me.
As I've said here before, I didn't do any of this. No "today I must," "today I must not" stuff. My heart gradually just began to surrender to Him, as I praised Him. He gave me the desire to know Him. He fed my longing. All I did was stand in front of Him and say "I'm here."
He then did me the honor of anchoring me in solid scriptural teaching -- some of which I'd forgotten, some of which was new to me -- so that I wouldn't be grasping around at whatever might be posing as His truth. So that my praises wouldn't just be words of emotion, but founded on a knowledge of and a reverence for the Rock Himself.
I don't know yet what He has in store for me. To be honest, many days I feel like my life has been a complete waste. I made one spectacularly bad judgment call long ago, and now many things I grew up taking for granted are out of my reach. So, OK. Maybe they always will be. But God the I AM knows all this. And He's up to something wonderful behind the scenes. Perhaps during my lifetime He'll never restore what was lost, or never replace it with phenomenal alternatives. But He Himself is mine, and He wants me to know Him deeply. So I continue to come before Him day after day to say, "I'm here." A forgiven Eve, restored to the garden, meeting her God in the cool of the day.
The fervency of my singing has died down. But the depth and steadiness of the relationship I have with God have intensified. I have a much fuller assurance of the Father's hand on my life. I've seen some amazing things, but the most amazing thing is that He won't give up on me. He's in this for life -- which in His case (and as a result, in mine) is a very, very, very long time.